Parenting

Being a good parent is the most important, most joyful, and most difficult job we can have.  It takes time, attention, patience and strength.  There are many different parenting programs, classes, books, and magazines out there--most of which have something valuable to offer.  Besides fulfilling your child's physical needs and making sure they are healthy and safe, the responsibilities are endless.  Some of the most important tasks of parenting, however, are teaching kids appropriate behavior and social skills, and encouraging independence and responsibility. The following are quick guidelines for parents to follow:

     *Set clear, easy to understand rules for children to follow

     *Make sure your child understands the rules and why they are important

     *Discipline with love.  The difference between discipline and punishment

       is that discipline teaches your child to do the right thing, particularly

       when logical and natural consequences are utilized.  Punishment is a

       penalty for doing something wrong and often lacks the lesson we are

       trying to teach our child.

     *Be consistent when you discipline your child.  For example, don't tell

       your child they're not allowed to do something today and then let them

       do it tomorrow.

     *Let children learn that helping others can make them feel good too.

     *Teach your child it is important to have good manners, to share, to

       listen, and to respect others' needs, opinions, and differences.

     *Let your child try new things that are right for his/her age and

       experience.  Let him/her make appropriate choices suited to the

       developmental level.

     *Give your child safe places for him/her to explore and discover.

 

Resiliency

Good parenting is certainly the most important but not only factor is helping children be successful.  Kids today grow up with a very different set of challenges than even a generation ago.  More children grow up in single-parent homes or have two parents who work, and more kids end up being cared for by someone outside the immediate family.  Kids have to be more aware of the world at an earlier age.  Teen pregnancy and AIDS, substance abuse and mental health problems, abuse and neglect, and criminal activity are no longer the exceptions in our communities, but have become common problems.

 

How we help kids deal with these challenges is not easy to answer.  We can't make parents stay home during the day or after school.  We can't eliminate abuse, substance use, mental illness, poverty, and crime.  We can, however, make kids more resilient, able to leap the hurdles they encounter in life.

 

Resiliency is a concept that has been studied for decades.  Even before children's behavior was labeled with names like Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD, researchers wanted to know why some children succeed in circumstances where others fail.  Resiliency factors are what make the difference.  These factors include:

     *positive relationships with family members or other adults

     *life skills such as conflict resolution, decision making, assertiveness

     *establishment and maintenance of clear, consistent boundaries

     *a climate of caring and support--in the home and community

     *communication of high, positive expecations for success

     *opportunities for participation and involvement

Other individual factors are insight, independence, initiative, creativity, humor, and morality.  Interestingly, most of these factors were identified by the youths themselves.  One large study followed people from childhood to adulthood.  Of the study participants, none mentioned a counselor or therapist as having had an impact on their success.  Instead these people named parents, teachers, coaches, and other mentors as the adults who inspired them to succeed.

 

Happiness

Making sure kids are resilient will dramatically increase their chances of success but what about ensuring their happiness?  We live in a time when high self-esteem is encouraged early, when young people have more independence than ever, but they also have far more depression, anxiety, synicism, and loneliness.  Today's children are being raised to shoot for the starts at a time when it's more difficult than ever to get into college, find a good job, afford a house.  Their expectations are very high just as the world is becoming more competitive, leaving a huge discrepancy between expectations and reality.

 

So how much control do we have over our children's happiness.  We know that temperament is partially genetic, but most experts believe that the environment plays a bigger role.  There may be a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression, but research indicates a variety of factors contributing to a child's happiness.  The following are some strategies that will strengthen a child's capacity for joy and success.

 

Encourage Connections  As described in the section above on resiliency, connection between a child and as many other healthy role models as possible is crucial.  Parents and family members, friends, neighbors, teachers, and caregivers all provide a sense of being loved, understood, wanted, and acknowledged.  Being connected is a huge protector against emotional distress, suicidal thoughts, and risky behavior.

 

Don't Try So Hard  Trying to keep your child happy in the short-term may hinder his long-term happiness.  Granting their every wish teaches kids to expect this in the real world, and they don't learn to deal with anger, sadness, disappointment, or frustration. Kids who don't learn to deal with negative emotions will be crushed by them as adolescents and adults.

 

Be Responsible for Your Own Happiness  Children of depressed parents suffer twice the average rate of depression.  One of the best things you can do for your child's emotional well-being is nurture your own.  Be a good role model for your child by practicing good self-care.

 

Give Praise for the Right Reasons  We kow that happiness is connected to self-esteem.  But praising kids only for their achievements or traits such as intelligence or beauty teaches them that acceptance and approval are conditional.  Instead, focus on praising efforts rather than results.  Praise the hard work and persistence that goes into achieving, rather than the achievement itself.  However, praise is not the only way to increase self-esteem...

 

Allow Them to Fail  We set our kids up for disappointment later in life when we give them false praise, or tell them they "can be anything" or "do anything."  Reality simply doesn't live up to those expectations.  Allowing your child opportunities to learn skills, experience consequences, and struggle a bit teaches them perseverance and helps them develop an optimistic attitude for meeting challenges.  They also learn a realistic knowledge of their strengths.

 

Give Them Responsibilities  Allowing kids to make age-appropriate choices teaches them about consequences, good and bad.  Giving them opportunities to express their opinions (regarding family activities, for example) and assigning them chores around the home gives them a sense of inclusion and contribution.  And teaching them that community service can be a positive choice--not just a punishment for breaking the law--lets them know that they are capable of making a difference in their world.

 

Teach and Practice Gratitude  Feelings of gratitude are linked to emotional well-being.  Being conscious of what we are thankful for not only makes us more empathetic to the others' needs but gives us one of our strongest coping skills during difficult times.

 

Teach them that Happiness is a Choice  What it boils down to in the end is that sometimes life is hard, expectations are not always met, and bad things sometimes happen.  Teaching our kids to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment rather than looking for it externally is the most important lesson we can teach them.

 

Children and Divorce