Children and Divorce

Statistics indicate that between 40 and 45% of new marriages and 60% of second marriages end in divorce, affecting more than 1.5 million children.  Approximately 60% of all divorces involve children, so helping these children to cope has to be a high priority.

Children face a multitude of risks and challenges when their parents separate.  Some challenges are the same for children of any age, while others depend largely on development.  Parents and children must progress through the grief process, learning to accept the reality of the divorce and resolving the anger, loss, and other feelings associated with the changes in the family. Even in situations where a divorce is clearly the best decision for the parents and may even bring relief to the children, it is still a major loss from which it takes time to recover.

Parents involved in divorce are often so overwhelmed and consumed with their own emotional needs, they may not be aware of how the situation is affecting their children.  This is not to suggest that parents intentionally ignore their children during this time, but they may not see how their own emotional unavailability (or conversely, their over-dependence on their children for emotional support and fulfillment) is hampering the child's own recovery process.  Children sometimes get caught in the middle of battles between their parents, which places a burden of guilt, blame, and responsibility on the child that is too much to carry.  This in turn elevates the child to a more adult role in the family, which can lead to problems later on when the parent attempts to resume a position of authority.

Children experience a wide variety of emotions when their family is experiencing a divorce.  There may be sadness, loneliness, anger, guilt, embarrassment, fear, confusion, anxiety, insecurity, and resentment, to name a few. Developmentally, they may experience regression to prior behaviors and lose developmental tasks previously mastered.  School-age children may have difficulty concentrating and display behavioral problems, thus affecting learning and achievement.  Some children may even experience emotional dymptoms beyond the spectrum of typical grief reactions, requiring mental health intervention.

There are some general guidelines for helping children of divorce.  Encourage them to express feelings in appropriate ways, such as drawing, writing, aand playing.  Teach them what to do with painful feelings, like talking to someone or hitting a pillow or stuffed animal.  Explore their fears with them, and allow them to be angry.  Let them know the situation is not their fault, and that it is not their responsibility to take care of the grownups.  Build their security through the consistent use of rules, reasons, routines, and rituals.  If you are a divorcing parent, avoid putting children in the middle and instead deal directly with your ex-spouse;  do not pass messages through the kids.  Do not share adult concerns with children.  Finally, build their self-esteem by letting them know how well they are handling the changes and how special they are.  Reinforce that parents can divorce each other but they don't divorce their children.  These guidelines can lead to a child's acceptance of divorce, which includes feelings of being loved, secure, trusting, hopeful, and optimistic.